Break Up Your Band

A blog about cataloguing and dissecting the best music of the 1990s (mostly).

John Frusciante is a writer/performer living in NYC. His writing about music and comedy has appeared on AmplifierMagazine.com, The Onion News Network, Cracked.com, etc. He can frequently be seen at the UCB Theatre, where he is the Artistic Associate. He has the same name as--but is not the same person as--the guitarist for the Red Hot Chili Peppers.

Here’s A Comedy Sketch I Wrote In College

Thanks to Jim Festante for unearthing this gem I wrote for an album my college comedy group recorded but never released. It will become painfully obvious from reading this that I had recently purchased the box set of Monty Python albums and was listening to it constantly. Oh, also, we had some kind of running gag of JFK references weaving through the album, thus the blackout line.

The Table
By John Frusciante


Setting: A fancy restaurant
Man: I’d like my usual table please.
Waiter: I’m sorry sir it’s been blown up.
Man: Blown up?
Waiter: Yes, we lost the piano player in the explosion.
Man: That’s awful.
Waiter: Replacement’s on the way.
Man: Thank goodness for that. It’s so hard to get a good piano player
nowadays.
Waiter: Oh don’t I know it. We wanted to keep the last one on but it was too difficult for him to play what with that shrapneled table leg lodged in his spine and all.
Man: Understandable.
Waiter: Well the new one should work out fine I imagine. Now as for your table.
Man: Are you sure it was my table?
Waiter: Well it was difficult to identify it but we had several waiters
examine the remains. It appears to be your table.
Man: I’d like to see the remains.
Waiter: I don’t think that would be appropriate sir.
Man: Why not?
Waiter: I don’t think you’d be able to bear it.
Man: That gruesome is it?
Waiter: Yes sir.
Man: Well, I was very well acquainted with that table. I’d like to see it anyway.
Waiter: I strongly advise you against it.
Man: Please let me see it.
Waiter: No sir.
Man: Just for a second.
Waiter: The remains spontaneously combusted, sir.
Man: Spontaneously combusted?
Waiter: Yes, burst into flames. The head chef lost two fingers in the
blaze, sir.
Man: For heaven’s sake!
Waiter: Yes sir.
Man: Let me see the ashes then.
Waiter: You can’t.
Man: Why not?
Waiter: We threw them out the window.
Man: Can I see the window?
Waiter: It’s not there anymore.
Man: What?
Waiter: We bricked it up.
Man: Bricked it up?
Waiter: The head chef was very upset about his fingers. We didn’t want him jumping.
Man: Where are the bricks then?
Waiter: You can’t go near those either.
Man: Why not?
Waiter: Asbestos.
Man: You use asbestos on pipes, not on bricks.
Waiter: We didn’t want to leave a bare brick wall. We installed plumbing.
Man: Plumbing!
Waiter: Yes.
Man: Are you lying to me?
Waiter: Yes.
Man: Why?
Waiter: Someone else is sitting at your table, sir.
Man: Really?
Waiter: Yes sir.
Man: So why didn’t you just tell me?
Waiter: We thought you’d be angry.
Man: Oh. Well, will he be done soon?
Waiter: He’s on dessert now sir.
Man: Well, I’ll just wait then.
Waiter: Thank you sir.
Man: Where’s the rest room?
Waiter: It caught fire, sir.
Man: Fire?
Waiter: Lost the bus boy in the blaze.
Man: Oh. (Pause.) Can I sit at the bar sir?
Waiter: Yes. It’s back, and to the left.
(Bell rings. Cut immediately into next sketch.)

Talk Show - “Hello Hello”

Remember the first time Stone Temple Pilots fired Weiland?

90s Thing You Should Know of the Day: Yes, there is an upcoming vinyl reissue of Hum’s You’d Prefer An Astronaut - regarded as “one of the best albums of all time” and “essential listening that you are crazy not to own” by leading tastemaker BreakUpYourBand - but the band is apparently not making any money off of it and did not know it was happening. More info about how you can get a limited edition vinyl copy from Matt Talbot himself is at the page I linked to. Read it while listening to “I Hate It Too” and thinking about driving to high school in the morning, groggy from staying up to watch Taxicab Confessions.

(Source: Spotify)

Old Improv (and sketch) Shows: Possible Side Effects & Littleman

oldimprovshows:

POSSIBLE SIDE EFFECTS

Possible Side Effects has been performing the La Ronde for more than two years. Miles Stroth of The Family (ImprovOlympic) taught PSE his version of the form in the summer of ‘99. The La Ronde has evolved over the years and has become PSE’s signature peice. This character…

I remember being so excited to do the handful of shows we did with Littleman, who were also great. I want to say this was Summer of 2000 or 2001, but I’m not sure. Everything about UCBT at that time felt like magic. It still does, it’s just different magic now.

Last week was the 20th anniversary of this album’s release. Back when MTV was showing videos regularly, they started doing a thing where they would run the lyrics to this song across the bottom of the video for the benefit of all of humanity.

Let he who did not own a pair of circle-framed sunglasses cast the first stone at over-sized monochromatic outfits.

alexscordelis:

kellyqehudson:

So I just remembered that this album exists. And it is the best. You should listen to it. Or maybe just the song “Around the Bend” which you can hear by clicking that photo of the album.

If you don’t think No Code is the best Pearl Jam album, you have the wrong opinion.

And after this album the band admirably announced their split, cementing their legacy as the rock group that never recorded Yield.

alexscordelis:

kellyqehudson:

So I just remembered that this album exists. And it is the best. You should listen to it. Or maybe just the song “Around the Bend” which you can hear by clicking that photo of the album.

If you don’t think No Code is the best Pearl Jam album, you have the wrong opinion.

And after this album the band admirably announced their split, cementing their legacy as the rock group that never recorded Yield.

The worst unnecessary “rap” break of any 80s pop song (at the 2:37 mark), or just the worst 80s pop song? Take a moment, you don’t have to decide now.

Happy Birthday, Michael Stipe.